Things didn't go well...

Well... I went in for my dating ultrasound today and there was absolutely nothing in there.  Apparently I had a miscarriage during the time I was bleeding (when the doctors told me that everything was ok). 


So I go into the room for the ultrasound and the tech says I'm going to look around for a bit and then I'll turn the tv on so you can see it on the big screen. Then she starts the ultrasound and asks "What did they see when you had your ultrasound at Winnie?"  I told her that we saw the baby and a heart beat.  I told her that the doctor told me I was measuring small, he said I was probably 6 weeks and 4 days along rather than almost 8 weeks like I believed to be based off my last period.  She didn't say anything else the whole time.  So I'm sitting there thinking, Ok something must not be right because she is awfully quiet and she's not showing us anything.  Then she told me "Get dressed and we are going to have you talk with your midwife".  Now my mind is racing because no one will tell me anything and then I'm put in a room to wait... and wait... and wait... what seemed like forever but was probably only 20 minutes or so.  My midwife finally comes in and breaks the news to us that the ultrasounds show that I've had a complete miscarriage.  She said she was pretty baffled as to how this could happen when we just saw a heartbeat a week or so back.  She tried to get my ultrasound records from the hospital but they were unable to find them.  Side note- What the heck!! How does a hospital not have my records?!  Anyway, I did a urine test that came back negative so the midwife wanted me to have a blood test to see my hcg levels.  I'm supposed to call tomorrow at 11am to get the results from that.


I guess I should've trusted my instincts.  I feel like I knew this was coming and had been preparing myself for it.  When I first took the pregnancy test, I didn't believe it was real.  I took like 20 more but still didn't believe it.  I only had one day of morning sickness and wasn't really experiencing any of the typical pregnancy symptoms (but they say that every pregnancy is different so I didn't think much about it).  When the bleeding started, I feared the worst but I didn't have the symptoms that they say to look for.  My midwife said that as long as I wasn't gushing a ton of blood or running a fever, I shouldn't really be too worried.  At the hospital, the doctor saw the baby and a heartbeat and told me that unless I had a fever or was bleeding through more than one pad an hour that I didn't need to come back.  The only day I had any pain was the day I went to the hospital and had an ultrasound.  One of the pregnancy books that I've been reading since day 1 talked alot about miscarriage and the two authors' experiences with miscarriage but I remember thinking to myself, "Gosh why is all this miscarriage stuff in here... I don't need this stuff."  Then just last night someone sent me a link to someones blog who talked about how she went in for an ultrasound and the baby didn't have a heartbeat, but how she was able to trust God in the situation anyway.  Now I'm in a similar situation just 1 day later.  I feel like maybe God put all that stuff in my path for a reason, to prepare me for all of this.


I feel like I am handling it fairly well.  Of course I was sad and cried when I was told the news.  I thought for sure that if I was having a miscarriage I would've been in a lot of pain and know that it was happening.  I guess that's not always true.  I broke down after I left the doctors office but pulled myself together before returning to work for the rest of the day.  At work, people who knew about the pregnancy (and after I told them the bad news), asked my why I would come back to work after that happened.  I figured I can either sit at home and wallow in self pity, or I can deal with it, be thankful that it happened early and not when the baby was further along, be thankful that it was complete and that I didn't have to have a D&C, and trust that God has a reason for everything and go on with my life.  I chose the second option.  Being sad and upset won't make things any different and I know that there is nothing I could've done to change the situation.  I know that it is all in God's hands and I'm trusting Him fully in this situation even if I don't understand why this had to happen. 


I'm praying that God will continue to give me clarity in the situation and that we will get pregnant again soon... hopefully with better results next time.