Confirmed

I went to the doctor's office today to confirm what I already knew from the numerous at home tests I did myself, but you have to hear it from a doctor to believe it I guess. So the first thing the nurse says to me when she walks me back is "Did you ever have your follow up blood work back in January?"  I told her that yes, I had my blood work done and had been cleared to try again from my midwife.  She's the nurse... shouldn't she know that already? So already I'm a little frustrated on top of my nervousness about being back in the doctors office. Then I do the whole pee in the cup drill.  The nurse does the pregnancy test and comes in to tell me that it is positive but faint (maybe if she had waited longer than one minute it wouldn't have been faint) but she said that was fine since I'm so early.  Side note- since the nurse freaked me out by saying that it was "faint", I rushed out to buy another pregnancy test as soon as I left the doctor's office.  My results weren't faint at all, clearly two bright pink lines, although I guess there could be a difference in the test sensitivities.  You would think the doctor's office test would be better/more accurate than an at home test though.

 I didn't see my midwife today, because when I scheduled my appointment I just told them to get me in with whoever could see me.  The doctor I had today was really nice and if my midwife is ever unavailable I will definitely be seeing this doctor again.  The doctor did her exam and said that everything felt normal.  She chatted with me for a few minutes about being pregnant after a miscarriage- said that my chances of having a healthy pregnancy are good, talked about how I was feeling, and told me that I'm pretty much on pelvic rest for the next 8 weeks (which basically means no sex, no heavy lifting, no strenuous activities).  She told me to just take things easy the next few weeks until we get through the first trimester.

The last time I went through this doctors appointment (confirming the first pregnancy), I was asked about 100 questions about everything under the sun. This was at my previous OB/Gyn office before I switched to the midwife's practice.  This time around, no one asked any questions.  They also didn't do any blood work either, but I guess maybe they will do that at my next appointment. She gave me a prescription for a prenatal vitamin, although I've been taking a prenatal vitamin since July.  I guess I'll use the one she gave me even though it costs a fortune! I'll ask the next time I'm in what the difference is between what I've been taking and this new one that costs roughly $1 per pill. 

I know that this is silly and I will probably regret this when it happens, but I've been praying that God would give me every pregnancy symptom possible so that I know it is for real this time. Last time around I only had one little bout with morning sickness and that was it. 

Please pray that everything goes as it is supposed to with this pregnancy, that I am able to carry this baby to full term, and that we would be able to have a healthy baby as an end result of this pregnancy.  Please also pray that these next 8 weeks go by quickly for me and Michael. I so badly want to be out of the first trimester and past the point where I had my miscarriage last time.

  I'm scheduled to go back in on April 19th for my dating ultrasound (ugh... this was the one that I went in for last time only to find out that there was nothing in there... let's pray that doesn't happen again!) and a follow up appointment with my midwife.

Here we go again...

Everything got back to normal with my body in January and so we began trying again. Two months came and went with numerous negative pregnancy tests.  I was frustrated (even though I know it was just a short time) and decided to stop trying for a while so I could get back to my goal weight, after putting on a few pounds from dealing with our previous loss.

So I started the weight loss program again and lost 11 pounds which made me happy because I felt like at least I could be in control of something since I obviously couldn't control getting pregnant. I told Michael and a few other people "Just watch... now that I'm back on the diet and not trying to get pregnant, it will happen". 

Sure enough. Three weeks into my diet I decided to take a pregnancy test, fully expecting it to be another big fat negative since we had hardly been trying, waited the required 3 minutes and read the results. I checked it anticipating another "not pregnant" reading on my digitial test, but instead saw "pregnant". What?! Seriously? I had come to terms with not trying, convincing myself that we are still young and have plenty of time. I didn't want to get excited or get my hopes up since that worked out so well last time. I felt frustrated that I still had weight to lose and now can no longer do the diet program. I felt worried because of the medication I had been on. I still had 3 days before I was supposed to get my period, so I thought maybe it was a fluke.

I did some research on the internet about false positives with digital tests and found that a good number of people had experienced a false positive using a certain brand of test. So now I had convinced myself that it could be a false positive and I better try a different brand. Yes, I know that I am completely ridiculous and yes, I know that numerous positive tests being false is pretty much unheard of, but I just had to test again. I had one digital test left over from last month which was a different brand than the first one I used, so I tried that one.  Again a "pregnant" result.  Ok, well that one was digital so maybe I should try just the old fashion, non-digital, two lines equals you're pregnant type of test. I went to the store and got one and used it as soon as I got home. Yep, clear as could be, two pink lines.  Not like last time when it was a faint second line that sent me googling for answers.  This time it was right away- two perfectly clear pink lines.

So 3 digital tests and one old fashion test later, I've realized that I must really be pregnant. Still it is hard to get excited because I'm not sure if it will end in another miscarriage (praying that it doesn't) but I feel like it's real this time. The weird part is that I haven't had many of the tell-tale early pregnancy symptoms, many of which I did experience last time.  My boobs aren't sore, I don't feel sick, no real hunger/cravings, I haven't been extremely tired, haven't had to pee every five seconds. The only clues were my sense of smell being out of control, being a little emotional, and a few headaches... all things I experience before that time of the month normally. An example of my superhuman nose- I was outside playing frisbee with Cooper, our dog, and I could tell that someone in the neighborhood was making chocolate chip cookies.  It wasn't like it was just a faint smell... it was like I was cooking them in my kitchen and I was standing over the oven smelling them. That and laundry- if any of our neighbors are doing laundry when I walk the dog I could tell you what brand of laundry soap they are using.

I go to the doctor on Thursday to confirm the pregnancy. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this time it is for real because I'm not sure how I would deal with another loss.  I wish there was some way I could fast forward my life 12-14 weeks so that I'd know everything is going to be ok this time around.

It's almost comical sometimes the way that God works. We tried on our own for a while, timing things just right, following all the rules with no success. Then as soon as we stop trying to do it on our own, God comes in and reminds us "Hey I am in control here, not you guys... so we are going to do things My way". Funny how that happens. I'm constantly reminding myself that God is in control, not me. He can handle this way better than I ever could, so I should just let him take care of the situation.