12 weeks appointment and ultrasound

After five weeks of anxiously waiting, the day of my 12 week ultrasound finally arrived!  I hadn't had any reason to make me concerned that something could be wrong, but I read something in one of my pregnancy books about this woman who went in for her 12 week ultrasound appointment only to be told that there was no heartbeat and that the baby had passed away around 8 weeks, only she hadn't had any symptoms of a miscarriage. So, I had that thought floating around my brain for weeks and was worried that I might experience the same thing.  I need to just stop reading books and googling things... it makes me worry about unnecessary things! The past few weeks had been very uneventful- no sickness, no extreme fatigue, no spotting.  I felt pretty great (which also made me worried). 

The morning of my appointment I starting spotting and immediately panicked! I thought "Oh great... I'm starting to have a miscarriage the day that I'm supposed to go to the doctor!" I didn't do anything to cause the spotting... I've been following the doctor's orders with no sex, no exercise, and to just take things easy.  But I guess if it had to happen, I'm glad it happened on a day that I was going to have an ultrasound anyway. 

I tried to take it easy throughout the day at work although that is a challenge when you teach kindergarten.  I tried to stay off my feet as much as possible but there really isn't much sitting down for me throughout the day. I told my students that I was leaving early to go to the doctor because the doctor needed to look at my blood.  So then my students went around telling people all day that I was going to the hospital to get poked with needles.  They make me laugh!

I left school an hour early to head to my doctor's appointment.  I got to the doctors office way earlier than I had expected, but the sonographer was able to take me right back when I got there to start my NT scan.  The relief I felt when I saw a little baby on the screen was beyond words.  The baby was moving all over the place and didn't want to cooperate by laying still so the sonographer could measure for the NT test. We got to watch the baby move and bounce around for a good 15 minutes.  It's crazy how it can move so much, yet I don't feel any of it yet.   I asked if she was able to determine the gender yet, so she checked for us.  She said that it's a little early to tell for sure, but that if she had to guess based on what she'd seen she would say it is a girl.  We got a new batch of pictures of the baby and then were done. 

I had to wait quite a while after my ultrasound to meet with my midwife.  I guess she had an issue and was running behind schedule.  I didn't really care.  I just wanted to ask her about the spotting and had some questions about our travel plans for the summer as to what I could and couldn't do. I finally got called back to meet with her.  She looked at my chart and said right away "Well you know what I think it is based off of your two heart rates don't you?" I said that I had no idea and she said that she thinks it's a girl as well.  She asked if I'd like to try to hear the baby's heartbeat and of course I said yes.  She told me to get out my cell phone so I could record it.  It was an incredible feeling to hear the baby's little heartbeat.

I asked her all my questions about our cruise to Alaska and she told me to make sure I get up and walk around every 30 minutes or so on our 8 hour flight to Vancouver. I was concerned about whether or not I would be able to do the helicopter tour and the seaplane tour (because I had read something online about how it is not safe for pregnant women to fly in unpressurized planes... again I know I need to stop looking up things on the internet).  She said that it wouldn't effect the pregnancy in any way because we won't be high enough for the pressure change.  I told her about the spotting and she wasn't concerned at all.  She said as long as I'm not bleeding a ton, I should be fine. 

She scheduled me to come back right before we leave for our trip to get my medical records to take with me.  I'm glad that I get to go back so soon.  I feel so relieved that everything is fine so far.  I'm also relieved that my spotting has stopped. Maybe it was just my anxiety about my appointment that caused it in the first place. 

Uneventful weeks 8, 9, and 10

I fortunately have nothing big to report about the past three weeks.  As crazy as it sounds, I wish I could say that I've been super sick and experiencing tons of symptoms, but that has not been the case.  I know that I should be happy that I'm not sick and I know that plenty of women don't get sick and delivery perfectly healthy babies, but I really feel like it would calm my nerves and help me know that things are going as they should if I was experiencing morning sickness.  My only symptoms are sore boobs, crazy sense of smell, waking up every night in the middle of the night to pee, and out of control emotions.  It's bad... I can't watch the Publix Mother's Day commercial without crying! The mom in the commercial is pregnant and talking to her daughter about how she used to talk to her in her belly when she was pregnant with her.  The little girl asks if the baby can hear her and the mom says "I think so". So then they debate what the little girl should tell the baby and she ends up going up to the mom's tummy and says "You're really going to love mommy." Oh my goodness, just thinking about it makes me tear up.

I've been struggling with doubt and knowing that this is real.  It's so hard to know that things are going the way they should be going when I don't feel a whole lot different than I do normally. I don't look pregnant yet and it is too early to feel the baby move inside me, so it is hard to know that it is really happening.  I'm past the point where I miscarried last time, but I wish I could have an unltrasound to know that everything is ok.  I'm anxiously awaiting my next appointment with the midwife on May 22nd.  I have my NT scan and blood tests and who knows what else, but I don't care as long as I get to see a healthy baby.  I so badly want to know that there is still a baby alive inside of me. 

I'm counting down the days until May 22 (as well as to the end of the school year... only 20 more days of school left until summer vacation!)

The little bean and a heartbeat!

Today was the day of my dating ultrasound and appointment with my midwife.  On the way to the doctor's office I felt like I might have a panic attack because I was so nervous that they'd get in there and there would be nothing... again.  I even dreamt last night that I went to my appointment with the midwife, but somehow forgot to go to my ultrasound appointment and was freaking out because I didn't get to see if there was a baby inside me! Crazy and ridiculous, I know.

My fears were put to ease as soon as the ultrasound tech said "Oh there's a little baby and a yolk sac". Phew... I could finally breathe.  She turned on the tv on the wall so she could show us everything she was seeing.  She pointed out the head, body, and a the fluttering of a heartbeat!  Another huge sigh of relief there.  She said that the baby had a strong heartbeat of 162 BPM and that the little bean was measuring on target, 1.3cm from crown to rump.  My estimated due date remains the same based on this dating ultrasound... December 3rd (but we'll just call it the first week in December).

Here are the pictures of the little bean- the first one is measuring the heartbeat and the second is just the bean.

I'm hoping I don't experience any bleeding from the doctors being in there poking around.  As of now, everything is fine.  The midwife told me to call if I had any problems over the next few days.

I go back May 22 for my NT scan and blood work.  I will be 12 weeks and 2 days at that point so I can't wait to see how the little bean has changed at the next appointment. I'm praying that the next 4 weeks are pretty uneventful.

Week 6

I prayed for symptoms thinking that would mean morning sickness, but instead got a few different things. I am by no means complaining because I am thankful for these symptoms.  They let me know things are going as they should be.

This week I have felt completely exhausted.  I have to wake up 2 or 3 times during the night to use the bathroom, which is not really helping with the exhaustion.  I wake up still feeling tired.  Work is a struggle because when you have 16 little kindergarteners depending on you, you have to be "on" all day.  There is no explaining, "Hey guys I'm really tired today so we're just going to take it easy".  That simply doesn't work with a bunch of 5 and 6 year olds.  I feel like my students have been extra crazy this week and so I feel both physically and mentally worn out.  Then of course on the only day of the week I get to sleep in past 5:45a.m., my body wakes me up at 6a.m.  Thank you internal alarm clock.

My boobs are sore now, to the point where someone hugged me yesterday and it was painful.  Last time around my boobs were sore right away, before I even found out I was pregnant. It lasted for about two weeks and then subsided. This time it took a little longer for that to arrive.  But it doesn't seem to be going away like it did last time.  I guess that is a good sign. 

I don't think I've experienced full blown morning sickness yet, atleast not like I did the one day I had morning sickness during the last pregnancy.  My one day of morning sickness last time consisted of feeling clammy and like I wanted to throw up.  I haven't had any days like that yet, but I have felt kind of nauseous if I don't eat and then after I eat my stomach hurts.  I also feel kind of sick if I see food after I'm full.  Raw meat also has been grossing me out lately as well.  We went grocery shopping and walking down the meat aisle made me feel pretty yucky.

A symptom I was not expecting (and I had never really heard of it happening during pregnancy) was my all of the sudden greasy hair.  I'm using the same hair products that I've always used and haven't made any changes to my hair care routine.  Yet, my hair is so greasy. I've never been the kind of person who washes my hair everyday, because I have a lot of hair and it takes a long time, and because the natural oils are good to keep your hair healthy. But now after one day of normal hair, my hair is like dripping with oil.  Gross! I guess it's all those hormones messing with me. 

I've been wanting fruit all the time.  I'm not a person who normally eats a lot of fruit, but lately I can not get my fill of strawberries, apples, and pineapple.  Last week all I wanted to eat was sweet potatoes.  I got my fill of those during our Easter dinners.  Other than that I haven't really wanted to eat much of anything.  I am eating, but just don't really want anything specific.  Michael will ask "what do you want for dinner?" and I can't think of what I want. This is not normally a problem for me!

That's what has been going on with me lately.  My appointment with the midwife is this Thursday... it's finally here!! I can't wait to find out how my ultrasound goes and talk to my midwife about everything that has been going on. 

Do not be anxious...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6,7

I've seen this verse in random places numerous times over the past few days.  It was in a book I'm reading, it was in my devotional this morning, it has been popping up in my mind constantly.  Apparently, God is telling me to not worry but instead come to Him. 

I'm trying my best not to worry or be anxious, but I can't say I'm doing a great job at that. It is hard not to worry when so many things are still unknown.  I've been praying for the peace that surpasses all understanding but don't feel like I'm quite there yet.  I've been taking my requests to Him- praying that there are no chromosomal abnormalities, no complications or reasons for another miscarriage, that He would create in me a healthy little baby, that I would experience the normal pregnancy symptoms to help me know it is real, and that I would be able to carry this baby to full term.  I know that others are praying for me as well, which is comforting.

I'm hoping that my anxiety and fears are lessened after my ultrasound and appointment on the 19th.  However, I feel like that is years away from today.  Ok... so it is really just 2 weeks from tomorrow, but I just so badly want to know that everything is going as it should.  I'm terrified that I'm going to have the same issue as before, when I went in for my dating ultrasound and there was nothing in there to measure or date!

It is still pretty early for the onset of tons of pregnancy symptoms, but I do have to pee about every 5 seconds (although I'm terrified everytime I go to the bathroom that I'm going to see blood) and I'm pretty much exhausted most of the time. Crazy as it is, I'm hoping more symptoms appear in the next few weeks.

Well, that's it for today. Not much to post about since there have been no major changes.  Hopefully it stays that way for a while :)

Confirmed

I went to the doctor's office today to confirm what I already knew from the numerous at home tests I did myself, but you have to hear it from a doctor to believe it I guess. So the first thing the nurse says to me when she walks me back is "Did you ever have your follow up blood work back in January?"  I told her that yes, I had my blood work done and had been cleared to try again from my midwife.  She's the nurse... shouldn't she know that already? So already I'm a little frustrated on top of my nervousness about being back in the doctors office. Then I do the whole pee in the cup drill.  The nurse does the pregnancy test and comes in to tell me that it is positive but faint (maybe if she had waited longer than one minute it wouldn't have been faint) but she said that was fine since I'm so early.  Side note- since the nurse freaked me out by saying that it was "faint", I rushed out to buy another pregnancy test as soon as I left the doctor's office.  My results weren't faint at all, clearly two bright pink lines, although I guess there could be a difference in the test sensitivities.  You would think the doctor's office test would be better/more accurate than an at home test though.

 I didn't see my midwife today, because when I scheduled my appointment I just told them to get me in with whoever could see me.  The doctor I had today was really nice and if my midwife is ever unavailable I will definitely be seeing this doctor again.  The doctor did her exam and said that everything felt normal.  She chatted with me for a few minutes about being pregnant after a miscarriage- said that my chances of having a healthy pregnancy are good, talked about how I was feeling, and told me that I'm pretty much on pelvic rest for the next 8 weeks (which basically means no sex, no heavy lifting, no strenuous activities).  She told me to just take things easy the next few weeks until we get through the first trimester.

The last time I went through this doctors appointment (confirming the first pregnancy), I was asked about 100 questions about everything under the sun. This was at my previous OB/Gyn office before I switched to the midwife's practice.  This time around, no one asked any questions.  They also didn't do any blood work either, but I guess maybe they will do that at my next appointment. She gave me a prescription for a prenatal vitamin, although I've been taking a prenatal vitamin since July.  I guess I'll use the one she gave me even though it costs a fortune! I'll ask the next time I'm in what the difference is between what I've been taking and this new one that costs roughly $1 per pill. 

I know that this is silly and I will probably regret this when it happens, but I've been praying that God would give me every pregnancy symptom possible so that I know it is for real this time. Last time around I only had one little bout with morning sickness and that was it. 

Please pray that everything goes as it is supposed to with this pregnancy, that I am able to carry this baby to full term, and that we would be able to have a healthy baby as an end result of this pregnancy.  Please also pray that these next 8 weeks go by quickly for me and Michael. I so badly want to be out of the first trimester and past the point where I had my miscarriage last time.

  I'm scheduled to go back in on April 19th for my dating ultrasound (ugh... this was the one that I went in for last time only to find out that there was nothing in there... let's pray that doesn't happen again!) and a follow up appointment with my midwife.

Here we go again...

Everything got back to normal with my body in January and so we began trying again. Two months came and went with numerous negative pregnancy tests.  I was frustrated (even though I know it was just a short time) and decided to stop trying for a while so I could get back to my goal weight, after putting on a few pounds from dealing with our previous loss.

So I started the weight loss program again and lost 11 pounds which made me happy because I felt like at least I could be in control of something since I obviously couldn't control getting pregnant. I told Michael and a few other people "Just watch... now that I'm back on the diet and not trying to get pregnant, it will happen". 

Sure enough. Three weeks into my diet I decided to take a pregnancy test, fully expecting it to be another big fat negative since we had hardly been trying, waited the required 3 minutes and read the results. I checked it anticipating another "not pregnant" reading on my digitial test, but instead saw "pregnant". What?! Seriously? I had come to terms with not trying, convincing myself that we are still young and have plenty of time. I didn't want to get excited or get my hopes up since that worked out so well last time. I felt frustrated that I still had weight to lose and now can no longer do the diet program. I felt worried because of the medication I had been on. I still had 3 days before I was supposed to get my period, so I thought maybe it was a fluke.

I did some research on the internet about false positives with digital tests and found that a good number of people had experienced a false positive using a certain brand of test. So now I had convinced myself that it could be a false positive and I better try a different brand. Yes, I know that I am completely ridiculous and yes, I know that numerous positive tests being false is pretty much unheard of, but I just had to test again. I had one digital test left over from last month which was a different brand than the first one I used, so I tried that one.  Again a "pregnant" result.  Ok, well that one was digital so maybe I should try just the old fashion, non-digital, two lines equals you're pregnant type of test. I went to the store and got one and used it as soon as I got home. Yep, clear as could be, two pink lines.  Not like last time when it was a faint second line that sent me googling for answers.  This time it was right away- two perfectly clear pink lines.

So 3 digital tests and one old fashion test later, I've realized that I must really be pregnant. Still it is hard to get excited because I'm not sure if it will end in another miscarriage (praying that it doesn't) but I feel like it's real this time. The weird part is that I haven't had many of the tell-tale early pregnancy symptoms, many of which I did experience last time.  My boobs aren't sore, I don't feel sick, no real hunger/cravings, I haven't been extremely tired, haven't had to pee every five seconds. The only clues were my sense of smell being out of control, being a little emotional, and a few headaches... all things I experience before that time of the month normally. An example of my superhuman nose- I was outside playing frisbee with Cooper, our dog, and I could tell that someone in the neighborhood was making chocolate chip cookies.  It wasn't like it was just a faint smell... it was like I was cooking them in my kitchen and I was standing over the oven smelling them. That and laundry- if any of our neighbors are doing laundry when I walk the dog I could tell you what brand of laundry soap they are using.

I go to the doctor on Thursday to confirm the pregnancy. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this time it is for real because I'm not sure how I would deal with another loss.  I wish there was some way I could fast forward my life 12-14 weeks so that I'd know everything is going to be ok this time around.

It's almost comical sometimes the way that God works. We tried on our own for a while, timing things just right, following all the rules with no success. Then as soon as we stop trying to do it on our own, God comes in and reminds us "Hey I am in control here, not you guys... so we are going to do things My way". Funny how that happens. I'm constantly reminding myself that God is in control, not me. He can handle this way better than I ever could, so I should just let him take care of the situation.