The little bean and a heartbeat!

Today was the day of my dating ultrasound and appointment with my midwife.  On the way to the doctor's office I felt like I might have a panic attack because I was so nervous that they'd get in there and there would be nothing... again.  I even dreamt last night that I went to my appointment with the midwife, but somehow forgot to go to my ultrasound appointment and was freaking out because I didn't get to see if there was a baby inside me! Crazy and ridiculous, I know.

My fears were put to ease as soon as the ultrasound tech said "Oh there's a little baby and a yolk sac". Phew... I could finally breathe.  She turned on the tv on the wall so she could show us everything she was seeing.  She pointed out the head, body, and a the fluttering of a heartbeat!  Another huge sigh of relief there.  She said that the baby had a strong heartbeat of 162 BPM and that the little bean was measuring on target, 1.3cm from crown to rump.  My estimated due date remains the same based on this dating ultrasound... December 3rd (but we'll just call it the first week in December).

Here are the pictures of the little bean- the first one is measuring the heartbeat and the second is just the bean.

I'm hoping I don't experience any bleeding from the doctors being in there poking around.  As of now, everything is fine.  The midwife told me to call if I had any problems over the next few days.

I go back May 22 for my NT scan and blood work.  I will be 12 weeks and 2 days at that point so I can't wait to see how the little bean has changed at the next appointment. I'm praying that the next 4 weeks are pretty uneventful.

Week 6

I prayed for symptoms thinking that would mean morning sickness, but instead got a few different things. I am by no means complaining because I am thankful for these symptoms.  They let me know things are going as they should be.

This week I have felt completely exhausted.  I have to wake up 2 or 3 times during the night to use the bathroom, which is not really helping with the exhaustion.  I wake up still feeling tired.  Work is a struggle because when you have 16 little kindergarteners depending on you, you have to be "on" all day.  There is no explaining, "Hey guys I'm really tired today so we're just going to take it easy".  That simply doesn't work with a bunch of 5 and 6 year olds.  I feel like my students have been extra crazy this week and so I feel both physically and mentally worn out.  Then of course on the only day of the week I get to sleep in past 5:45a.m., my body wakes me up at 6a.m.  Thank you internal alarm clock.

My boobs are sore now, to the point where someone hugged me yesterday and it was painful.  Last time around my boobs were sore right away, before I even found out I was pregnant. It lasted for about two weeks and then subsided. This time it took a little longer for that to arrive.  But it doesn't seem to be going away like it did last time.  I guess that is a good sign. 

I don't think I've experienced full blown morning sickness yet, atleast not like I did the one day I had morning sickness during the last pregnancy.  My one day of morning sickness last time consisted of feeling clammy and like I wanted to throw up.  I haven't had any days like that yet, but I have felt kind of nauseous if I don't eat and then after I eat my stomach hurts.  I also feel kind of sick if I see food after I'm full.  Raw meat also has been grossing me out lately as well.  We went grocery shopping and walking down the meat aisle made me feel pretty yucky.

A symptom I was not expecting (and I had never really heard of it happening during pregnancy) was my all of the sudden greasy hair.  I'm using the same hair products that I've always used and haven't made any changes to my hair care routine.  Yet, my hair is so greasy. I've never been the kind of person who washes my hair everyday, because I have a lot of hair and it takes a long time, and because the natural oils are good to keep your hair healthy. But now after one day of normal hair, my hair is like dripping with oil.  Gross! I guess it's all those hormones messing with me. 

I've been wanting fruit all the time.  I'm not a person who normally eats a lot of fruit, but lately I can not get my fill of strawberries, apples, and pineapple.  Last week all I wanted to eat was sweet potatoes.  I got my fill of those during our Easter dinners.  Other than that I haven't really wanted to eat much of anything.  I am eating, but just don't really want anything specific.  Michael will ask "what do you want for dinner?" and I can't think of what I want. This is not normally a problem for me!

That's what has been going on with me lately.  My appointment with the midwife is this Thursday... it's finally here!! I can't wait to find out how my ultrasound goes and talk to my midwife about everything that has been going on. 

Do not be anxious...

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.  Philippians 4:6,7

I've seen this verse in random places numerous times over the past few days.  It was in a book I'm reading, it was in my devotional this morning, it has been popping up in my mind constantly.  Apparently, God is telling me to not worry but instead come to Him. 

I'm trying my best not to worry or be anxious, but I can't say I'm doing a great job at that. It is hard not to worry when so many things are still unknown.  I've been praying for the peace that surpasses all understanding but don't feel like I'm quite there yet.  I've been taking my requests to Him- praying that there are no chromosomal abnormalities, no complications or reasons for another miscarriage, that He would create in me a healthy little baby, that I would experience the normal pregnancy symptoms to help me know it is real, and that I would be able to carry this baby to full term.  I know that others are praying for me as well, which is comforting.

I'm hoping that my anxiety and fears are lessened after my ultrasound and appointment on the 19th.  However, I feel like that is years away from today.  Ok... so it is really just 2 weeks from tomorrow, but I just so badly want to know that everything is going as it should.  I'm terrified that I'm going to have the same issue as before, when I went in for my dating ultrasound and there was nothing in there to measure or date!

It is still pretty early for the onset of tons of pregnancy symptoms, but I do have to pee about every 5 seconds (although I'm terrified everytime I go to the bathroom that I'm going to see blood) and I'm pretty much exhausted most of the time. Crazy as it is, I'm hoping more symptoms appear in the next few weeks.

Well, that's it for today. Not much to post about since there have been no major changes.  Hopefully it stays that way for a while :)

Confirmed

I went to the doctor's office today to confirm what I already knew from the numerous at home tests I did myself, but you have to hear it from a doctor to believe it I guess. So the first thing the nurse says to me when she walks me back is "Did you ever have your follow up blood work back in January?"  I told her that yes, I had my blood work done and had been cleared to try again from my midwife.  She's the nurse... shouldn't she know that already? So already I'm a little frustrated on top of my nervousness about being back in the doctors office. Then I do the whole pee in the cup drill.  The nurse does the pregnancy test and comes in to tell me that it is positive but faint (maybe if she had waited longer than one minute it wouldn't have been faint) but she said that was fine since I'm so early.  Side note- since the nurse freaked me out by saying that it was "faint", I rushed out to buy another pregnancy test as soon as I left the doctor's office.  My results weren't faint at all, clearly two bright pink lines, although I guess there could be a difference in the test sensitivities.  You would think the doctor's office test would be better/more accurate than an at home test though.

 I didn't see my midwife today, because when I scheduled my appointment I just told them to get me in with whoever could see me.  The doctor I had today was really nice and if my midwife is ever unavailable I will definitely be seeing this doctor again.  The doctor did her exam and said that everything felt normal.  She chatted with me for a few minutes about being pregnant after a miscarriage- said that my chances of having a healthy pregnancy are good, talked about how I was feeling, and told me that I'm pretty much on pelvic rest for the next 8 weeks (which basically means no sex, no heavy lifting, no strenuous activities).  She told me to just take things easy the next few weeks until we get through the first trimester.

The last time I went through this doctors appointment (confirming the first pregnancy), I was asked about 100 questions about everything under the sun. This was at my previous OB/Gyn office before I switched to the midwife's practice.  This time around, no one asked any questions.  They also didn't do any blood work either, but I guess maybe they will do that at my next appointment. She gave me a prescription for a prenatal vitamin, although I've been taking a prenatal vitamin since July.  I guess I'll use the one she gave me even though it costs a fortune! I'll ask the next time I'm in what the difference is between what I've been taking and this new one that costs roughly $1 per pill. 

I know that this is silly and I will probably regret this when it happens, but I've been praying that God would give me every pregnancy symptom possible so that I know it is for real this time. Last time around I only had one little bout with morning sickness and that was it. 

Please pray that everything goes as it is supposed to with this pregnancy, that I am able to carry this baby to full term, and that we would be able to have a healthy baby as an end result of this pregnancy.  Please also pray that these next 8 weeks go by quickly for me and Michael. I so badly want to be out of the first trimester and past the point where I had my miscarriage last time.

  I'm scheduled to go back in on April 19th for my dating ultrasound (ugh... this was the one that I went in for last time only to find out that there was nothing in there... let's pray that doesn't happen again!) and a follow up appointment with my midwife.

Here we go again...

Everything got back to normal with my body in January and so we began trying again. Two months came and went with numerous negative pregnancy tests.  I was frustrated (even though I know it was just a short time) and decided to stop trying for a while so I could get back to my goal weight, after putting on a few pounds from dealing with our previous loss.

So I started the weight loss program again and lost 11 pounds which made me happy because I felt like at least I could be in control of something since I obviously couldn't control getting pregnant. I told Michael and a few other people "Just watch... now that I'm back on the diet and not trying to get pregnant, it will happen". 

Sure enough. Three weeks into my diet I decided to take a pregnancy test, fully expecting it to be another big fat negative since we had hardly been trying, waited the required 3 minutes and read the results. I checked it anticipating another "not pregnant" reading on my digitial test, but instead saw "pregnant". What?! Seriously? I had come to terms with not trying, convincing myself that we are still young and have plenty of time. I didn't want to get excited or get my hopes up since that worked out so well last time. I felt frustrated that I still had weight to lose and now can no longer do the diet program. I felt worried because of the medication I had been on. I still had 3 days before I was supposed to get my period, so I thought maybe it was a fluke.

I did some research on the internet about false positives with digital tests and found that a good number of people had experienced a false positive using a certain brand of test. So now I had convinced myself that it could be a false positive and I better try a different brand. Yes, I know that I am completely ridiculous and yes, I know that numerous positive tests being false is pretty much unheard of, but I just had to test again. I had one digital test left over from last month which was a different brand than the first one I used, so I tried that one.  Again a "pregnant" result.  Ok, well that one was digital so maybe I should try just the old fashion, non-digital, two lines equals you're pregnant type of test. I went to the store and got one and used it as soon as I got home. Yep, clear as could be, two pink lines.  Not like last time when it was a faint second line that sent me googling for answers.  This time it was right away- two perfectly clear pink lines.

So 3 digital tests and one old fashion test later, I've realized that I must really be pregnant. Still it is hard to get excited because I'm not sure if it will end in another miscarriage (praying that it doesn't) but I feel like it's real this time. The weird part is that I haven't had many of the tell-tale early pregnancy symptoms, many of which I did experience last time.  My boobs aren't sore, I don't feel sick, no real hunger/cravings, I haven't been extremely tired, haven't had to pee every five seconds. The only clues were my sense of smell being out of control, being a little emotional, and a few headaches... all things I experience before that time of the month normally. An example of my superhuman nose- I was outside playing frisbee with Cooper, our dog, and I could tell that someone in the neighborhood was making chocolate chip cookies.  It wasn't like it was just a faint smell... it was like I was cooking them in my kitchen and I was standing over the oven smelling them. That and laundry- if any of our neighbors are doing laundry when I walk the dog I could tell you what brand of laundry soap they are using.

I go to the doctor on Thursday to confirm the pregnancy. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this time it is for real because I'm not sure how I would deal with another loss.  I wish there was some way I could fast forward my life 12-14 weeks so that I'd know everything is going to be ok this time around.

It's almost comical sometimes the way that God works. We tried on our own for a while, timing things just right, following all the rules with no success. Then as soon as we stop trying to do it on our own, God comes in and reminds us "Hey I am in control here, not you guys... so we are going to do things My way". Funny how that happens. I'm constantly reminding myself that God is in control, not me. He can handle this way better than I ever could, so I should just let him take care of the situation.

Getting back to normal

I went in for another blood test on Monday, Jan. 16th to check my hcg levels again.  The midwife told me that if I waited about 10 days before coming in for my second blood test that my levels should be back to zero.  She was right. The nurse called the very next day to tell me that everything was back to zero and I was cleared to try again.  Today I got my period and have never been more excited to get it.  Usually it is dreaded, but I was glad this time because it means that everything is back to normal and we can try again.  


I have been very stressed out the past few weeks with the uncertainty of when things would get back to normal. I've also been stressed out about the 15 pounds I gained while eating like a normal person (and let's be honest... a lot of emotional eating after the miscarriage).  I started a low carb diet plan regulated by a physician last April and lost 52 pounds.  At my lowest, I weighed 20 pounds less than I did in high school and was in the best shape I've ever been in.  Then I found out I was pregnant and needed to have a more balanced diet so I started to eat things I hadn't eaten in months. Along with that came a few extra pounds. 


 After the miscarriage I had been debating whether or not I should go back to the low carb diet to try to lose the extra pounds or just try to eat healthier and exercise more.  Since I had heard that many people get pregnant again after a miscarriage without ever having a period, I figured it would probably be best to just go the eating healthy/exercise more route until I knew for sure that I wasn't pregnant again.  That didn't really work and I was frustrated.  I decided I would go back to what I knew would work which was the plan I did to lose the 52 pounds.  I don't think I'll make it back to my goal weight because my body just has a hard time maintaining it, but I would like to lose at least the 15 I gained.  I started week one of the program again this Monday and this is the most intense week of the program.  It is definitely working though... I'm already down 4 pounds. I think I will continue to stay on the plan and keep my current exercise schedule until I find out I'm pregnant again.  If nothing else, it makes me feel better about myself and feel like I have control over something! 


It is nice to feel like things are finally getting back to normal :) 

Answers and clarity

I spoke with my midwife on Friday, (which by the way, I am so glad I chose a midwife because whenever something happens she is the person who calls me not a secretary or a nurse like normally happens with the doctors office) and she gave me some info about my miscarriage situation.


She told me that my blood test results had come back from the lab and my hcg level was 23.  She also told me that they found my information from the hospital (I'm not sure why they couldn't find it to begin with, but I'm just glad they were able to locate it after all).  She said that she saw all the information from my visit on Christmas- the pictures from the ultrasound, information about a recorded a fetal heart rate of 144 and then again of 166, and also the crown to rump measurements.  The midwife told me that she met with all the doctors in her practice and asked them if they had seen this happen during their many years of practicing medicine, where an ultrasound detects a heartbeat and then go on to miscarry.  One of the pregnancy books I was reading stated that for a healthy women under age 30 the chances of miscarriage are only 12%, the chances drop to 8% once the sac has been seen, and only a 3% chance of miscarriage after a heartbeat has been detected.  The other doctors told her that they had only seen this happen two other times before.  She told me to come back into the office next week so they can measure my hcg levels again because she wants my level to be at 0 before we start trying again. 


So here is what I've learned from all of this:


1. Miscarriage is way more common than you'd think.  So many people shared their miscarriage experiences with me after hearing about my miscarriage.  Maybe if people were more open to talking about it, people wouldn't feel like they were going through it alone.  I know that many people wait until they are through their first trimester to tell people that they are pregnant so that if they do have a miscarriage they don't have to talk about it.  I am not one of those people and I in no way regret telling people that I was pregnant.  I am thankful for the people around me who knew the situation I was going through and were able to help me through it.  People are meant to do life together and I can't imagine having to deal with my situation in secret, trying to hide it from others. 


2. God allowed this to happen to me because he knew I would be able to handle it.  Many people would be devastated in my situation and that's not to say that we weren't sad or upset that this happened but I understand that this happened for a reason.  Part of the reason, I believe, was to build my character.  It's easy to believe and trust God when everything is good but it is more difficult to believe and trust God when things don't turn out the way you thought they should.  It would be easy to get mad at God for letting this happen, but instead I will trust that He must have something better planned for me. While doing a devotion the other night I was reminded of this verse:
And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that our suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us.  Romans 5:2-5


3. Lastly, I've learned that most people are super fertile after having a miscarriage.  Let's hope that I'm one of those type of people.  Once my blood test clear me of the hormones, I hope to get pregnant as soon as possible.


Although I may not have the answer to exactly why I had to experience this, I do have some greater clarity about this situation now which is comforting.