I went in for another blood test on Monday, Jan. 16th to check my hcg levels again. The midwife told me that if I waited about 10 days before coming in for my second blood test that my levels should be back to zero. She was right. The nurse called the very next day to tell me that everything was back to zero and I was cleared to try again. Today I got my period and have never been more excited to get it. Usually it is dreaded, but I was glad this time because it means that everything is back to normal and we can try again.
I have been very stressed out the past few weeks with the uncertainty of when things would get back to normal. I've also been stressed out about the 15 pounds I gained while eating like a normal person (and let's be honest... a lot of emotional eating after the miscarriage). I started a low carb diet plan regulated by a physician last April and lost 52 pounds. At my lowest, I weighed 20 pounds less than I did in high school and was in the best shape I've ever been in. Then I found out I was pregnant and needed to have a more balanced diet so I started to eat things I hadn't eaten in months. Along with that came a few extra pounds.
After the miscarriage I had been debating whether or not I should go back to the low carb diet to try to lose the extra pounds or just try to eat healthier and exercise more. Since I had heard that many people get pregnant again after a miscarriage without ever having a period, I figured it would probably be best to just go the eating healthy/exercise more route until I knew for sure that I wasn't pregnant again. That didn't really work and I was frustrated. I decided I would go back to what I knew would work which was the plan I did to lose the 52 pounds. I don't think I'll make it back to my goal weight because my body just has a hard time maintaining it, but I would like to lose at least the 15 I gained. I started week one of the program again this Monday and this is the most intense week of the program. It is definitely working though... I'm already down 4 pounds. I think I will continue to stay on the plan and keep my current exercise schedule until I find out I'm pregnant again. If nothing else, it makes me feel better about myself and feel like I have control over something!
It is nice to feel like things are finally getting back to normal :)
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Monday, January 9, 2012
Answers and clarity
I spoke with my midwife on Friday, (which by the way, I am so glad I chose a midwife because whenever something happens she is the person who calls me not a secretary or a nurse like normally happens with the doctors office) and she gave me some info about my miscarriage situation.
She told me that my blood test results had come back from the lab and my hcg level was 23. She also told me that they found my information from the hospital (I'm not sure why they couldn't find it to begin with, but I'm just glad they were able to locate it after all). She said that she saw all the information from my visit on Christmas- the pictures from the ultrasound, information about a recorded a fetal heart rate of 144 and then again of 166, and also the crown to rump measurements. The midwife told me that she met with all the doctors in her practice and asked them if they had seen this happen during their many years of practicing medicine, where an ultrasound detects a heartbeat and then go on to miscarry. One of the pregnancy books I was reading stated that for a healthy women under age 30 the chances of miscarriage are only 12%, the chances drop to 8% once the sac has been seen, and only a 3% chance of miscarriage after a heartbeat has been detected. The other doctors told her that they had only seen this happen two other times before. She told me to come back into the office next week so they can measure my hcg levels again because she wants my level to be at 0 before we start trying again.
So here is what I've learned from all of this:
1. Miscarriage is way more common than you'd think. So many people shared their miscarriage experiences with me after hearing about my miscarriage. Maybe if people were more open to talking about it, people wouldn't feel like they were going through it alone. I know that many people wait until they are through their first trimester to tell people that they are pregnant so that if they do have a miscarriage they don't have to talk about it. I am not one of those people and I in no way regret telling people that I was pregnant. I am thankful for the people around me who knew the situation I was going through and were able to help me through it. People are meant to do life together and I can't imagine having to deal with my situation in secret, trying to hide it from others.
2. God allowed this to happen to me because he knew I would be able to handle it. Many people would be devastated in my situation and that's not to say that we weren't sad or upset that this happened but I understand that this happened for a reason. Part of the reason, I believe, was to build my character. It's easy to believe and trust God when everything is good but it is more difficult to believe and trust God when things don't turn out the way you thought they should. It would be easy to get mad at God for letting this happen, but instead I will trust that He must have something better planned for me. While doing a devotion the other night I was reminded of this verse:
And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that our suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us. Romans 5:2-5
3. Lastly, I've learned that most people are super fertile after having a miscarriage. Let's hope that I'm one of those type of people. Once my blood test clear me of the hormones, I hope to get pregnant as soon as possible.
Although I may not have the answer to exactly why I had to experience this, I do have some greater clarity about this situation now which is comforting.
She told me that my blood test results had come back from the lab and my hcg level was 23. She also told me that they found my information from the hospital (I'm not sure why they couldn't find it to begin with, but I'm just glad they were able to locate it after all). She said that she saw all the information from my visit on Christmas- the pictures from the ultrasound, information about a recorded a fetal heart rate of 144 and then again of 166, and also the crown to rump measurements. The midwife told me that she met with all the doctors in her practice and asked them if they had seen this happen during their many years of practicing medicine, where an ultrasound detects a heartbeat and then go on to miscarry. One of the pregnancy books I was reading stated that for a healthy women under age 30 the chances of miscarriage are only 12%, the chances drop to 8% once the sac has been seen, and only a 3% chance of miscarriage after a heartbeat has been detected. The other doctors told her that they had only seen this happen two other times before. She told me to come back into the office next week so they can measure my hcg levels again because she wants my level to be at 0 before we start trying again.
So here is what I've learned from all of this:
1. Miscarriage is way more common than you'd think. So many people shared their miscarriage experiences with me after hearing about my miscarriage. Maybe if people were more open to talking about it, people wouldn't feel like they were going through it alone. I know that many people wait until they are through their first trimester to tell people that they are pregnant so that if they do have a miscarriage they don't have to talk about it. I am not one of those people and I in no way regret telling people that I was pregnant. I am thankful for the people around me who knew the situation I was going through and were able to help me through it. People are meant to do life together and I can't imagine having to deal with my situation in secret, trying to hide it from others.
2. God allowed this to happen to me because he knew I would be able to handle it. Many people would be devastated in my situation and that's not to say that we weren't sad or upset that this happened but I understand that this happened for a reason. Part of the reason, I believe, was to build my character. It's easy to believe and trust God when everything is good but it is more difficult to believe and trust God when things don't turn out the way you thought they should. It would be easy to get mad at God for letting this happen, but instead I will trust that He must have something better planned for me. While doing a devotion the other night I was reminded of this verse:
And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings because we know that our suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us. Romans 5:2-5
3. Lastly, I've learned that most people are super fertile after having a miscarriage. Let's hope that I'm one of those type of people. Once my blood test clear me of the hormones, I hope to get pregnant as soon as possible.
Although I may not have the answer to exactly why I had to experience this, I do have some greater clarity about this situation now which is comforting.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Things didn't go well...
Well... I went in for my dating ultrasound today and there was absolutely nothing in there. Apparently I had a miscarriage during the time I was bleeding (when the doctors told me that everything was ok).
So I go into the room for the ultrasound and the tech says I'm going to look around for a bit and then I'll turn the tv on so you can see it on the big screen. Then she starts the ultrasound and asks "What did they see when you had your ultrasound at Winnie?" I told her that we saw the baby and a heart beat. I told her that the doctor told me I was measuring small, he said I was probably 6 weeks and 4 days along rather than almost 8 weeks like I believed to be based off my last period. She didn't say anything else the whole time. So I'm sitting there thinking, Ok something must not be right because she is awfully quiet and she's not showing us anything. Then she told me "Get dressed and we are going to have you talk with your midwife". Now my mind is racing because no one will tell me anything and then I'm put in a room to wait... and wait... and wait... what seemed like forever but was probably only 20 minutes or so. My midwife finally comes in and breaks the news to us that the ultrasounds show that I've had a complete miscarriage. She said she was pretty baffled as to how this could happen when we just saw a heartbeat a week or so back. She tried to get my ultrasound records from the hospital but they were unable to find them. Side note- What the heck!! How does a hospital not have my records?! Anyway, I did a urine test that came back negative so the midwife wanted me to have a blood test to see my hcg levels. I'm supposed to call tomorrow at 11am to get the results from that.
I guess I should've trusted my instincts. I feel like I knew this was coming and had been preparing myself for it. When I first took the pregnancy test, I didn't believe it was real. I took like 20 more but still didn't believe it. I only had one day of morning sickness and wasn't really experiencing any of the typical pregnancy symptoms (but they say that every pregnancy is different so I didn't think much about it). When the bleeding started, I feared the worst but I didn't have the symptoms that they say to look for. My midwife said that as long as I wasn't gushing a ton of blood or running a fever, I shouldn't really be too worried. At the hospital, the doctor saw the baby and a heartbeat and told me that unless I had a fever or was bleeding through more than one pad an hour that I didn't need to come back. The only day I had any pain was the day I went to the hospital and had an ultrasound. One of the pregnancy books that I've been reading since day 1 talked alot about miscarriage and the two authors' experiences with miscarriage but I remember thinking to myself, "Gosh why is all this miscarriage stuff in here... I don't need this stuff." Then just last night someone sent me a link to someones blog who talked about how she went in for an ultrasound and the baby didn't have a heartbeat, but how she was able to trust God in the situation anyway. Now I'm in a similar situation just 1 day later. I feel like maybe God put all that stuff in my path for a reason, to prepare me for all of this.
I feel like I am handling it fairly well. Of course I was sad and cried when I was told the news. I thought for sure that if I was having a miscarriage I would've been in a lot of pain and know that it was happening. I guess that's not always true. I broke down after I left the doctors office but pulled myself together before returning to work for the rest of the day. At work, people who knew about the pregnancy (and after I told them the bad news), asked my why I would come back to work after that happened. I figured I can either sit at home and wallow in self pity, or I can deal with it, be thankful that it happened early and not when the baby was further along, be thankful that it was complete and that I didn't have to have a D&C, and trust that God has a reason for everything and go on with my life. I chose the second option. Being sad and upset won't make things any different and I know that there is nothing I could've done to change the situation. I know that it is all in God's hands and I'm trusting Him fully in this situation even if I don't understand why this had to happen.
I'm praying that God will continue to give me clarity in the situation and that we will get pregnant again soon... hopefully with better results next time.
So I go into the room for the ultrasound and the tech says I'm going to look around for a bit and then I'll turn the tv on so you can see it on the big screen. Then she starts the ultrasound and asks "What did they see when you had your ultrasound at Winnie?" I told her that we saw the baby and a heart beat. I told her that the doctor told me I was measuring small, he said I was probably 6 weeks and 4 days along rather than almost 8 weeks like I believed to be based off my last period. She didn't say anything else the whole time. So I'm sitting there thinking, Ok something must not be right because she is awfully quiet and she's not showing us anything. Then she told me "Get dressed and we are going to have you talk with your midwife". Now my mind is racing because no one will tell me anything and then I'm put in a room to wait... and wait... and wait... what seemed like forever but was probably only 20 minutes or so. My midwife finally comes in and breaks the news to us that the ultrasounds show that I've had a complete miscarriage. She said she was pretty baffled as to how this could happen when we just saw a heartbeat a week or so back. She tried to get my ultrasound records from the hospital but they were unable to find them. Side note- What the heck!! How does a hospital not have my records?! Anyway, I did a urine test that came back negative so the midwife wanted me to have a blood test to see my hcg levels. I'm supposed to call tomorrow at 11am to get the results from that.
I guess I should've trusted my instincts. I feel like I knew this was coming and had been preparing myself for it. When I first took the pregnancy test, I didn't believe it was real. I took like 20 more but still didn't believe it. I only had one day of morning sickness and wasn't really experiencing any of the typical pregnancy symptoms (but they say that every pregnancy is different so I didn't think much about it). When the bleeding started, I feared the worst but I didn't have the symptoms that they say to look for. My midwife said that as long as I wasn't gushing a ton of blood or running a fever, I shouldn't really be too worried. At the hospital, the doctor saw the baby and a heartbeat and told me that unless I had a fever or was bleeding through more than one pad an hour that I didn't need to come back. The only day I had any pain was the day I went to the hospital and had an ultrasound. One of the pregnancy books that I've been reading since day 1 talked alot about miscarriage and the two authors' experiences with miscarriage but I remember thinking to myself, "Gosh why is all this miscarriage stuff in here... I don't need this stuff." Then just last night someone sent me a link to someones blog who talked about how she went in for an ultrasound and the baby didn't have a heartbeat, but how she was able to trust God in the situation anyway. Now I'm in a similar situation just 1 day later. I feel like maybe God put all that stuff in my path for a reason, to prepare me for all of this.
I feel like I am handling it fairly well. Of course I was sad and cried when I was told the news. I thought for sure that if I was having a miscarriage I would've been in a lot of pain and know that it was happening. I guess that's not always true. I broke down after I left the doctors office but pulled myself together before returning to work for the rest of the day. At work, people who knew about the pregnancy (and after I told them the bad news), asked my why I would come back to work after that happened. I figured I can either sit at home and wallow in self pity, or I can deal with it, be thankful that it happened early and not when the baby was further along, be thankful that it was complete and that I didn't have to have a D&C, and trust that God has a reason for everything and go on with my life. I chose the second option. Being sad and upset won't make things any different and I know that there is nothing I could've done to change the situation. I know that it is all in God's hands and I'm trusting Him fully in this situation even if I don't understand why this had to happen.
I'm praying that God will continue to give me clarity in the situation and that we will get pregnant again soon... hopefully with better results next time.
Monday, January 2, 2012
Thankful
Today I am feeling thankful, which is a good way to start the year if you ask me.
I am thankful that my bleeding finally stopped. I am very thankful that I had two weeks of no work for Christmas vacation. I am thankful that all of this bleeding junk happened while I was on vacation from work. I am thankful that I've only had one day of morning sickness which also took place during my vacation because I'm not sure how I could've handled waves of nausea with a classroom full of kindergarteners. I'm thankful that I was able to get back in the gym today. When all that bleeding was going on the doctors told me that I was supposed to take it easy for 2 weeks. It has been 10 days rather than 2 weeks, but I feel fine and am no longer bleeding so I couldn't just sit around any longer. Working out makes me feel so much better and have more energy and I feel great after tonight's workout. I am thankful for my wonderful in-laws who do so much for us. I am thankful for my sweet husband who did so much work around the house the past few days.
Last but not least, I am thankful for a new year that will hold many new adventures and hopefully a sweet baby as well. I have an ultrasound on Thursday morning and assuming everything is normal (which we are praying for) then we will make the announcement to the rest of our friends and family (and the facebook world as well). Thursday can not get here soon enough :)
I am thankful that my bleeding finally stopped. I am very thankful that I had two weeks of no work for Christmas vacation. I am thankful that all of this bleeding junk happened while I was on vacation from work. I am thankful that I've only had one day of morning sickness which also took place during my vacation because I'm not sure how I could've handled waves of nausea with a classroom full of kindergarteners. I'm thankful that I was able to get back in the gym today. When all that bleeding was going on the doctors told me that I was supposed to take it easy for 2 weeks. It has been 10 days rather than 2 weeks, but I feel fine and am no longer bleeding so I couldn't just sit around any longer. Working out makes me feel so much better and have more energy and I feel great after tonight's workout. I am thankful for my wonderful in-laws who do so much for us. I am thankful for my sweet husband who did so much work around the house the past few days.
Last but not least, I am thankful for a new year that will hold many new adventures and hopefully a sweet baby as well. I have an ultrasound on Thursday morning and assuming everything is normal (which we are praying for) then we will make the announcement to the rest of our friends and family (and the facebook world as well). Thursday can not get here soon enough :)
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